The Emo Kid in me is Alive and Well

I did an online video thing with our fans where I chatted with them about living a full life and took their questions and overall it was just so very wonderful I closed the session feeling buzzing and lit up, like I do while running off stage after an exhausting, rewarding live show. 

Shortly thereafter, I was contacted by someone close to me, who was concerned about something I’d said during the video chat thing. I had mentioned that I used to bawl my eyes out on the floor all the time, you know, just mourning being alive and all, and he’d reached out to ask me about it. He was worried about me, he wished he could have been there for me. 

I thanked him for his concern, explained that he didn’t need to feel bad, and that was that. 

But I couldn't stop thinking about it. Because, really now, is this actually news for any of us? This whole “I bawl my eyes out about life on a regular basis” thing-this is not an anomaly, correct? Aren’t we all just kind of sad most the time? I don’t mean these questions to sound cute or trite. It’s just that my experience is that a whole freaking lot of us feel the hurt of being alive for a good portion of our lives. I think it’s part of the package deal of being human. In fact, I am a little suspicious about anyone who doesn’t feel sad for a healthy chunk of the time. (I have met approximately three people in my life who are constantly, non-stop, over-the-top happy, and they are annoying mother-effers. No, thank you.)

I feel all the hurt, all the boredom, almost all of the time. I don’t think this means I have clinical depression, I think it means I’m doing a good job at feeling all the aforementioned hurt and boredom. That is a good, brave thing, no? To show up for life day after day, even though most of the time it hurts. 

And I don’t mean this to be discouraging. I have no intention of living in perpetual heartache, or throwing my hands up to say, “I guess this is just the way it is.” What I’m really trying to do is make peace with this idea of being happy and hurting simultaneously. I believe in happiness, in joy. I believe I can go several days in a row feeling pretty darn terrific, as I have actually done this once or twice. I put a whole lot of energy into choosing joy, and even showing you how to choose joy, too. I believe life wants me to be happy, and is eager to support me in this. But I still feel All the Hurt, so I just sometimes have to conclude that being alive hurts. I’m not doing it wrong, life is just hurtful like that. 

I want you to know that if you also feel all the hurt and all the boredom almost all of the time, I think we can be friends. I think most of us are sad and lonely a lot more than we let on.  For me, just knowing this is the case can help take the guilt out of being sad, and help me chill out long enough to catch my breath, get some rest, and maybe help me feel a little better. 

Here's a song we made you.

That's all for today. More to come!

Love, Ariel